Thursday, July 25, 2019

The single life - Why dating sucks for women

I'm gonna write this for all of my single friends, who talk about how difficult the single world is today and how frustrating dating can be.

Here's what I HOPE should be the take away from this. A huge part, from what I can tell, about why dating is so tough (multitude of reasons) is because people have very little legitimate introspection about their own negative traits.

Most people think they are a catch, bring a lot to the table, talk about "not settling" etc, and are hyper focused on the other person being "good enough" without realizing a lot of the negative traits that THEY keep bringing to the table.

I ended up reading through a butt ton of surveys and studies about what people consider  nonnegotiables and turn offs in dating.

If you read through enough of them, eventually almost everything in the world gets listed as a turn off.

"Didn't load the dishwater correctly"
"Has a really annoying laugh"
"Had on the wrong colored shoes for their outfit".
"Teeth weren't the right size".

If you went through every article you'd end up reading anywhere from thirteen to seventy-four things that were turn offs.

So you have to narrow it down to what's most common (like a meta analysis) in each one.

These spanned from early casual dates, to people who dated for a little while but found a reason not to commit long term.

Don't shoot the messenger, jackasses. Stating that right now. I'm trying to do you a solid here.  And yes, there will be a part 2 for why it sucks for men.  So keep your thong out of it's knot.

Shared traits (complaints from both men and women)

Jealousy / Talking about your ex

Newsflash, if you're dating someone you need to leave your baggage and former relationship at the door. Save that shit for your therapist. The person you're dating doesn't want to constantly hear about how shitty your ex was. It doesn't mean it can never come up, but if you want to date someone then focus on that person. Not what someone else did to you, lied to you about, cheated on you, etc. Talking about that shit all the time is gross behavior. And it's a major turn off to EVERYONE.

Jealousy was a big factor for both sexes, and is the antithesis of confidence. Also, DOING THINGS to make the other person jealous is just as gross as talking about your ex. And you know when you're doing this (most people have done this at some point.) Trying to inject jealousy into the relationship makes you look like a spoiled and immature child. So don't do it.

Too much make up / lack of hygiene  -

I think it goes without saying that personal hygiene is important and how you look does matter. Especially if you're meeting someone for a date.

I don't know what the hell you guys are doing but apparently a lot of you don't shower, use deodorant, and brush your teeth a lot. I promise, that's important to women.

Dudes complained that women often showed up looking like they were headed to a clown convention rather than a date. Newsflash ladies; we are fine with a slight amount of make up and a somewhat more natural look and often even prefer it.

Too much phone -

I think we can all agree that cell phones are a common problem in cultivating intimacy and closeness and play a part in impacting those things. It also tells the other person on the date they aren't so important to you.  Which makes you kind of a shitty person.

If you're on a date, put your phone away for the love of God. It's rude AF. Whatever it is you think is important I promise it can wait. And if you can't go on a date without checking your phone and texting then YOU have a problem. It's completely inconsiderate of the other person's time, and says a lot about you (and not in a good way).

Women's biggest turn offs -

Neediness -

This one was number one or number two on the reasons why things didn't continue further. Needy people often have anxious attachment styles/types. If you don't know what attachment theory is I highly suggest reading up on it. Because it ultimately shapes your behavior in relationships. It can be changed but it takes some work.

Anywho, needy people (there's plenty of needy women and men) need a lot of reassurance and people often pass this off as them simply being "insecure". Fact is, if someone has an anxious attachment type they can't really help it. Not giving them a total pass, but people who grew up with a lot of unmet emotional needs from their caregivers have trouble centering themselves without external affirmation that they are desired, wanted, needed, etc.

Generally speaking, women are more prone to be anxious attachment types but in the dating world neediness from men is a big complaint. Where men don't seem to complain about needy women as much.

What does needy behavior look like? Constant catering to her with romantic gestures and/or smothering her. What this tells her is that you don't have shit going on in your life that is important outside of her. 

It doesn't mean you need to "play games" and ignore texts for two days or act like you missed her call. What it means is that you actually need to focus on cultivating a life worth inviting her to be a part of with you. If you're always at her beck and call then it tells her that you don't have a lot going on in your life.

Women see men as high value when they have shit going on that is important to them outside of her. Women see men as needy and low value when she says "jump" and he says "how high, my love?" Neediness is a repellent because it tells her that you lack confidence with women.

This is also tied in with "moving too fast". When a needy dude finally gets a date, he tends to want to lock her down into commitment very early. This scares the shit out of women because it feels controlling and possessive (those were often on the list too).

Generally speaking, men who come across as needy often have a long history of rejection. The cycle there is they were often rejected because of their needy behavior. Which makes them more needy in future relationships. Which cause them to end up getting rejected a lot. Which makes them more needy. Round and round you go.

What's the solution there? Learn how to give a shit, without giving a shit.

Tell her you'd like to take her to dinner. She's not free? Don't take it personally.

"Some other time then." is a perfectly acceptable non-needy reply.

She hasn't texted you back from four hours ago? Maybe she's busy. Maybe you should find something to be busy about too.

Which also circles us back around to what women more or less desire in a man. And that being, one that has shit going on in his life. One that is creating an awesome life with or without her. Women tend to be very attracted to that.

Also of note, there's a big difference between having needs, and being needy. Confident people with shit going on in their life will still have needs and strong boundaries. And it's fine to state your needs in the relationship, and is a part of developing a healthy, high functioning relationship.

Needy people have weak boundaries and need constant affirmation. 

Laziness -

This wasn't just about work. But mostly about noticing her. I don't feel as though I need to type another three hundreds words to explain that if you're not generating income or working that you probably shouldn't be dating. Showing up for a date to expound on how you're unemployed but mashing up kids in Call of Duty all day doesn't tend to get a woman's knees to knocking.

The laziness they complained about here was simply a lack of paying attention. It was mental and emotional laziness. It means paying attention to her particular needs.

"I thought you just said not to be needy."

See, this is why you have issues. Because you can't discern the difference between paying attention to her needs, and needing validation from her. They aren't the same.  Paying attention to what the person across from you is saying, and actually understanding those words, shows a high degree of intellect and that you're interested in them.

Going forwards, those things tend to pay off in the way of increased intimacy because being known by someone is basically what intimacy is.  What we all desire at some level, is to be known and accepted and understood very deeply.

Despite the fact that it's commonly said that women only buy certain purses and get their hair and nails done to compete with other women, it's not entirely true. Yes, women want to impress and compete with other women. But women want a man to notice everything about her, and pay attention to her when she's offering up who she is emotionally.  

I'll give you an example about this.  

I had a former boss lady and one day I walked into her office to update her on some work.  When I saw her I immediately noticed her hair was different.  

"Ahhh, you got a new color and cut.  Looks good."  

She was blown the F away.  Her husband didn't even notice.  And that right there people is how affairs happen (no, I did not sleep with her either, so pipe down).  

If she has to ask you if you noticed, you've already lost some points.  But noticing little things go a long ways to show her that you're paying attention, and aren't lazy, and are putting in some effort.

But it's more than noticing the physical.

All you have to do is actually listen to her instead of thinking about all the ways you can trick her into getting into her pants (which ironically tends to make that happen faster).

A great example of this was in one of the quotes from a woman who said she knew she'd met the man she potentially wanted to marry.  They were shopping at a candy store, and when offered up a free sample the clerk said to them "this one has almonds". 

Her date quipped "not that one, she hates almonds."

"He had remembered that from a passing comment I had made from a previous date. So I knew he was paying attention to the small details."

Hyper focused on sex / bad at sex -

This is going to rub a lot of dudes the wrong way, but what that should tell you is that maybe you need some introspection here. 

Men have incredibly fragile sexual egos.  This is because a massive part of most men's identity revolves around his sexual prowess.  So if a man is told he's bad at sex  you might as well just go ahead and kick him in the balls and tell him he has ugly ass kids too.

This one jumped out at me because in the research done at looking at satisfying sex lives, the two most common factors were the emotional state of the relationship, and sexual disclosure. Basically, how well two people feel connected emotionally and how comfortable they are talking about sex with one another.

The key in all of this is that intimacy and comfort cause the manifestation of those factors. And the former, emotional connection and closeness, takes time. And men who want to get laid aren't often very patient (and are often super needy, and pushy, which doesn't create for comfort and are major turn offs).

It's true, some people just want to bump ugly in the night without any potential for commitment. But in the context of this blog post, that's not what we're discussing here. It would save both people a lot of time and effort if you're just honest enough to say "listen, I don't really want to date anyone exclusively and am just looking for casual hook ups here and there."


The women being interviewed here were looking for dating or a potential partner. And in those situations they complained that way too many men pushed for sex before they felt like they even knew him very well. Meaning, you're probably moving too fast physically for her, or you're sliding in sexual innuendos very early to gauge where she's at with you sexually.

Again, major turn offs for women who are looking for a serious relationship or potential commitment.

From there, the women who did go ahead and allow the man to bump ugly with her complained that the sex itself wasn't often very good.

Which ties us back around to the things I mentioned before. The state of the emotional connection and sexual disclosure. Both of which are intricately connected to comfort and intimacy.  So a lot of that falls on her too.  Because it means she also wasn't selective enough with whom she chose to sleep with.  Neither person was patient enough to actually see if the other was the kind of person they wanted to have something "more" with.

These things take time. Ask any couple that has been together for a while and they will often tell you that the sex got better over time. This is because the emotional state of the relationship deepened, and because they learned what one another liked the most sexually.

For guys who are needy and lazy (pushing for sex, all the while not paying attention to her needs) they circumvent the factors needed to create a fulfilling and amazing sex life. Almost everyone will agree that the deeper the emotional connection the better the sex is. It's the explanation as to why sex was so good with one person and so awful with someone else.

If you're not willing to cultivate the emotional connection and build comfort to a degree that allows you both to feel very free sexually, then the sex is probably going to suck for her.

Uninteresting -

This was also on the most common lists. Men were just uninteresting to a lot of women, and failed to hold their attention with intellectual conversation.

While men are visually wired, women are more emotionally stimulated. Which means in layman's terms he needs to stimulate her intellectually. Those two things are intricately connected.

My own particular theory about this is that the internet and social media has neutered a lot of men in this regard because they often reduce potential dating to sliding into a woman's inbox or DM's and work from those spaces. Nevermind that there's a massive sausage fest going on in her inbox already. So you're probably not differentiating yourself to some incredible magnitude, no matter how clever you think you are.

This also tends to create for short attention spans as it's not uncommon for a guy to be in a multitude of women's inboxes or DM's playing the numbers game and just shooting their shot all over the place.

But back to the lack of being interesting.

Most dudes think they are interesting. And funny. But have you ever considered that maybe you're not?

If you're a "tl;dr" kinda guy then you're probably not reading a lot of books, or doing a lot of things to deepen who you are intellectually. No matter how "smart" you think you are.

Don't leave the house other than to go to the gym or bar with your buddies? Yeah man, you're one unique and interesting individual.

And what it is we've cultivated about ourselves, is ultimately what we have to offer the person across from us.

All of us enjoy stimulating conversations and individuals who appear to have put some effort into creating the best versions of themselves. These things take effort, and effort tends to grow us. And a well grown individual often has a lot to offer to someone in the way of companionship.

But it's not just about expounding on all of the positive virtues about who you are, either. It's about being introspective about the negative aspects that keep circumventing your ability to connect with people and develop deep relationships with them. And that's usually the factor that turns people off the most.  Men and women alike.

Which is the segue into part 2 - The shit that turns men off in dating. 

To be continued......

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