Monday, October 30, 2017

Necessity vs luxury in relationships

If you've ever seen those social experiment videos with the dudes who approach women and ask them out, only to be spurned, then show up later in a lambo and have her drop draws on the spot, then the term "gold digger" probably comes to mind. 

I can't argue against that.  Not if we're going to judge women superficially on a single factor.  One in which in fact is hard wired into them, whether you like it or not.  And that is, security.  It's a trait that women will seek out in a man, more often than not, because physiologically women are wired to seek providers. 

I don't want to paint this as something as simple as a caveman era DNA issue, where women subconsciously seek out a man simply based on whether or not he can provide a lambo, because providing is more intricately layered than that.  Which I will get to. 

Genetically and environmentally, we tend to gravitate towards specific people to "mate with".  There's a reason why certain people are almost universally accepted as being attractive (it's due to facial symmetry), and why lean and ripped male bodies often appeal to women more than a "dad bod" (let's stop kidding ourselves here) and why that 0.7 hip to waist ratio constantly scores highest on the men's scale of dimes.  It's all about procreation and what makes us want to go into baby making mode with someone. 

Women certainly understand the value, pun intended, in a dude driving a lambo compared to a dude driving a 1979 Gremlin.  The car is merely a representation of security.  Not from an all encompassing standpoint, but it does serve as a representation of it.  Especially for women who might not be as financially capable as they would like to be.  That or they dated the 79 Gremlin guy at one point and realized that the height of romance with that dude was slamming pancakes and ham at the Waffle House on a Saturday night. 

Not that slamming pancakes and ham at the Waffle House can't be a good time.  Certainly it can.  But she might want the ceiling raised a bit in regards to life experiences with her significant other.  And again this is all related to social and physiological wiring in which we find someone sexable.  And most of the time, women find men more sexable if they represent security, and can provide at a level that is greater than their own at a myriad of levels.  This doesn't mean money makes you sexy.  It can make you sexier, or at least appear so due to the fact that having money will increase the depth of your dating pool.  But I don't see droves of women lining up outside of Bill Gates house throwing panties over his possibly diamond studded fence trying to get his attention.  And since you don't have Bill Gates money, you can relax a little bit.  The point of "money" is that you can pay the bills.  The mortgage.  That you can provide, and not be a burden or deadbeat.  It's simply a single unit of measure in security. 

If men are hunters, and women are nurturers, then women look for men who can bring home the meat.  Yes, that's low hanging fruit right there in terms of jokes, but allow me to explain that wasn't necessarily sexually laced innuendo. 

Survival, in ancient times (which would be the 1970's if you ask my kids) meant that men who had the ability to be great hunters, and bring home the meat, meant they were capable, and obviously had a higher social value.  It showed physical and mental capability.  It meant he could provide.  The food he killed and brought home was the representation of his ability to provide and create an environment that was conducive to mate in.  Ain't no one got time or energy for getting sexed up while they are starving.  Not to mention that the chances of survival for the woman and her offspring are much higher with a man who can physically protect her, and also provide for her, and the children. 

Lambo guy is the dude hauling in the bison with his bare hands with blood covering his face, looking like William Wallace after slaying some scurvy ridden Brits, while 79 Gremlin boy is bringing home some wilted lettuce. 

Physically, women usually want a man they feel could whip some ass in a situation where she needs to be protected.  If ol' boy is hiding behind her when the need for meeting violence with violence arises, she might be a tab bit perturbed.  I will say that I've met some women who I wouldn't want to meet in a dark ally if Aunt Flow happened to be in town that week.  But I digress......

Financially, maybe she doesn't need a man driving a lambo (ok let's clear this up, you don't NEED a man in a lambo, but it's an awfully big bonus) but she is most definitely looking for someone  physically and financially capable. 

"Capable of what?"

You understand what capable means, don't play semantic games here. 

Emotionally...well that becomes incredibly complex because of different attachment theories, and there's a reason why therapists are trying to help men break through the Matrix style coding that is "woman".  But at some level, the male has to be able to appeal to her emotional needs as well.  After all, women are far more emotionally wired creatures than men.  They process emotionally based situations far differently than men, and those emotions tend to transcend across every landscape of their life, where men tend to compartmentalize each situation separately. 

This is why men tend to offer up solutions to a problem, compartmentalizing the issue into a broke/fix solution, which often enrages the woman because she really just wants him to listen and be present in the moment with her.  He gets frustrated because he doesn't understand why she's all pissed off now because he told her how to fix something.  She leaves the room and he turns on Sportscenter.  In a round about way, he fixed his own issue by getting her out of the room and nagging him about her problems that she never really wanted a solution for to begin with. 

I jest, but it's kinda true. 

If guys want a real solution when this arises, what the woman really wanted was for you to just listen to her, be present in her struggle with her, and allow her to come to her own problem/resolution (which she's already done before she ever brought this up to you) process but to feel as though you have emotionally supported her in that process. 

But Sportscenter, tho.......

Anyway, what all of that boils down to is her also feeling emotionally protected and tended to.

There's a theme here that keeps occurring and you should be able to spot it fairly easily. 

1.  Protect - physically and emotionally.  That means her in both occasions.  Protect her from harm, and guard her heart by not doing things that betray her trust, or trigger awfulness from prior relationships.

2.  Provide - financially, to some degree.  Past the Waffle House pancakes and ham, I mean.  Have something better than the 79 Gremlin. 

Most all of the things that women will seek out, due to their physiological wiring, can be traced back to those two factors. 

So why is it that we hear this phrase and see meme after meme about how there are no good men left for women to choose from? 

Well, again, I'm going to take a stab at it that due to the environmental and social factor that comes into play about mate selection, that the world we live in today, has caused a lot of women AND MEN (lest I get labeled a sexist here) to lose sight of what is necessity, and what is luxury.   And often times, the ones that find themselves in relationships that peter out over time and find themselves left "wanting" is because they ended up selecting a person based far too much on what appeals to luxury, while minimizing the necessities. 

Mathematically, it flat out cannot be true that there are no "good women" or "good men" out there available to cultivate a relationship with.   

Separating luxury from necessity - 

If you've ever had a talk with someone who is single, and has been single for a significant period of time, but has done a lot of dating, they will often tell you the reason they haven't found the "right person" (insert eye roll at this point) is because "I'm really picky, and I'm not going to settle." 

Perhaps dear reader, you've uttered this phrase. 

So what defines settling?  That's really something the person has to be aware of, and what really falls under the realm of necessity in a mate, or if they are putting too much emphasis on what really are luxuries in one. 

For some guys, "breathing" is the one necessity they seek out in a woman.  That's going to be the running joke here so we will get it out of the way early.  Men are actually a bit more complex than that, despite the fact that society tries to paint us as being these incredibly simple skirt chasing knuckle dragging simpletons.  And because men also need fulfillment on a myriad of levels, this is why eventually, men too end up finding that one woman they will commit to, and feel as though they can't be without.  That woman will haven no doubt who she is, because he will go to the ends of the Earth to let her know, she's the one he wants.  If your "man" is not doing that, then you're not the one.  I can promise you that.  The guy that's waiting three days to text you?  He's not that into you.  Remember, men are hunters.  And when it comes to finding his woman, he's looking for someone to bring bison home to.  Not the lettuce. 

You're welcome? 

It's possible I just shattered some hopes and dreams.  I love to deliver the good news.  Sometimes a harsh dose of reality is what's needed though. 

But for the people who constantly chirp about how no one is measuring up and how they won't settle, well no one is asking for you to settle, however what is it that you believe you're settling for?  Most happy people end up with someone they believe are equivalent to their own sense of self worth. 

That's actually the reason why you see the guy in the lambo dating the super hot chick who most often, tends to have more going for her than being really good looking.  Though that is sometimes the case, the guy in the lambo, if he earned it, most often has a pretty high sense of self worth and is going to be attracted to a woman that will have the same.  At least if we're talking about an on going relationship here, and excluding douchebags such as Dan Bilzarian. 

Everything has to start with some semblance of chemistry and physical attraction then.  I mean, that's all you have to go on at first.  Women of course, are wired a bit differently in that way than men.  Men are very visually wired and tend to seek out women based on appearance in the initial stages.  Make no mistake, a man will only stay in a relationship with said hottie if she is also meeting his other needs as well.  And despite the type casting of male shallowness that goes on, men do have needs outside of a sammich making hottie that allows him to watch the game.  They will vary from man to man, of course, but men have emotional needs as well.  And yes, that's probably a news flash from the city for some of you, but men do like snuggling on the couch and being told how handsome we are from women we don't call "Mom".  In fact, I can tell you this...your man (if you currently have one) will become what it is you speak about him.  Tell a man how awesome he is, how amazing he is, and speak empowerment and confidence into him, and he will embody those things.  Tell me what a sack of crap he is, and you'll find a man drinking at the bar on Friday staring at other women's rear ends. 

Don't like that?  Then change what you speak into your man, and about your man.   

Women on the other hand, well they can be a bit more pliable in regards to looks.  As long as she doesn't find a man completely repulsive physically, and she doesn't friend zone the living hell out of him, if he can get her emotions interested in him then he's got a shot.  It's why we often see dudes that look like they lost all 12 rounds in a boxing match with a pterodactyl on trenbolone, dating incredibly attractive women that are just all about ol' boy. 

"This man..." she proceeds to write on social media, underneath a picture of him wearing that dog shit ugly sweater she bought him (that he hates but wears for her) making the heart hands.  You know what I'm talking about. 

Because he's appealing to the things we went over above.  He's providing.  Emotionally in some way, he's providing for her in a way that is fulfilling.  He probably doesn't drive a 79 Gremlin either.   

So back out of this rabbit hole, and back to the main point - since everyone is so picky and women refuse to settle, what is it outside of chemistry and being physically attracted to a man that women are having trouble with in regards to "finding a good man"? 

I mean, if we're accepting that women are more emotionally in tune with who they are, and what they need, then what are the characteristics that make a man, a good man?  Or make a man good at being a good man.  Because there is a difference.  One requires a penis.  The other requires that and some virtues to go along with it.

Let's pretend said man has his crap together, i.e. has a good job, takes care of himself physically and isn't out doing competitive beer bong challenges with his college friends on the weekend...what are the necessities required for a man to be..."good"?   And what are the luxuries? 

I could make a list.  Things like honesty, loyalty, kindness, ambition, and courage.  I think this is a good list.  I can understand a woman saying these are necessities.  And anything that falls outside of this list, most likely, might fall under the list of luxuries.  Him not being a meth addict or alcoholic could be deal breakers, unless you too enjoy some fine midwest methamphetamine or binge drinking on the daily.  But again, that comes back to being attracted to someone of equal value.  And equal value tends to encompass those kinds of things.  We gravitate not only to those that share the same beliefs as us, but live fairly equal lifestyles, and also reaffirm what it is we believe about ourselves (but that's an entirely different subject all together).

It's really up to the individual to determine what it is they view as necessities and what are truly luxuries in a person.  Then eliminate people as they don't meet the necessities required to be in a committed relationship with. 

The luxuries are the cherries on top.  The icing on the cupcake.  The cream filling inside the glazed doughnut, when the glazed was really just as equally delicious.  But you tossed out the glazed doughnut because it wasn't cream filled, and you threw away the cupcake that didn't have icing, and whatever it was that was supposed to have cherries on top of it, well you tossed that too. 

But lots of times, there are good women and men walking around who refuse to commit again because they were indeed all of the necessities, and even to a large degree, the luxuries.  And they found themselves being all of those things, or to the very best they were capable of, only to find the other person wasn't willing to meet them halfway in their efforts, or be the necessities themselves.

Tragically enough, I think there are plenty of good men and women out there who have just closed off all the roads that lead to their heart because they just became exhausted at some point in giving to someone, only to find themselves left empty over and over again.  Exhausted at the litany of excuses that were constantly laid before them as to why someone "just couldn't".  Can't never could.  And people do what it is they really want to do; what's important to them. 

1.  Priorities
2.  Level of effort
3.  Number 2 will tell you all you need to know about number 1 

Being all the necessities, and even the luxuries won't ever be enough for the person who was never supposed to fit into the cracked spaces of who you are.  Not because you're not worthy.  But due to their own inability to understand or appreciate your worth, and lack the ability to offer up those same virtues. 

Someone can only give back the very thing they are in possession of.  No one can give you a lambo if they don't have one to spare.  And no one can reciprocate love, honesty, sincerity, and devotion if they don't contain those things in their gift giving mechanism.  You could be the most infallible creature ever placed on God's green Earth.  Do you think you're going to be able to create a dynamic of harmony with anything less than the other infallible person that doesn't actually exist?  Probably not.  You're flawed.  So is everyone else.  And there is no "right person".  There's only a bunch of wrong people out there to choose from.  So what it really takes is a deep breath in which you inhale the fact that you're looking for the right wrong person.  The person you're attracted to, but has the list of necessities required to cultivate a relationship that can bloom.  Anything on top of that is a luxury. 

So before you remark that there are no good men or women out there, ask yourself first if you are one.  Are you the very things you are seeking in a person?  Because we tend to attract the people who will affirm what it is we believe about ourselves.  Our selection process tends to be a reflection of where our heart is in that moment in time, but also reinforces the framework of the belief system we have about ourselves. 

If you consistently find yourself opening up people who disappoint you in who they are, then be honest enough to ask if you're seeking necessities, or luxuries.  And be introspective enough to know if you're able to give the very things you keep saying you want to receive. 

I'm too picky.......

In essence, be the lambo and you'll find your fellow lambo companion.  Your ride or die partner. 

Be a 79 Gremlin and well, you know the Waffle House drill. 

1 comment:

  1. Solid article. Been too long since you've posted on the old website