Monday, November 16, 2015

Why I hate John Meadows

If I so desired, I could probably write a novel that would rival the likes of Moby Dick to describe all the reasons I despise and hate John Meadows.  However, I don't have that kind of time nor the inclination to do so because it would just mean more publicity for someone who has caused a great deal of grief and misery in my life.  What I will do instead, is continue to pray to whatever God will listen, and that John gets blown up by rockets one day.

With that said, I can give you a high level overview of why I hate John, and why you should as well.

1.  John is a former banker - Do I really need to write any more than that at this point?  I could probably end this right here but I will continue anyway.

2.  John is really short - Short people always have attitude problems.  John is no exception to this, as you will come to learn.

3.  John grows shitty lamb chops out from time to time - I have no idea why he does this, other than the fact that I bet he thinks he looks like Wolverine when he does it.  My guess is he enters a contest for ugliest human alive on a periodic basis.

4.  John was in Forbes - This is true.  He was.  They lavished over his success as a banker (puke) and then his successful transition from banker to snake oil salesman and professional rip off artist via his Mountain Dog website, training, etc.

5.  John got his IFBB pro card - True, it only took him 189 shows to finally find one where the competition was so weak they were forced to give him one, but it did happen.

This is just a small list, and not even the top 5.  I could go on about his diva personality to the degree that he has a personal driver that chauffeurs him everywhere.  How he fans his farts in people's faces randomly, and has a slave labor camp in Cambodia filled with old women and small children who work for pennies a day to make pancakes for him.  But those are somewhat sophomoric in nature compared to so many other things that makes him scum of the Earth.

To give you a better glimpse into the dark heart that is John Meadows, let me tell you what it was like being around him for the better part of everyday for over a week in Australia.

Each morning I would meet him down for breakfast.  John would go on and on about the quality of eggs there, and lament how shitty eggs were back in the states compared to there.  He bought me breakfast a total of zero times, and then spent the morning talking in third person and insulting me for no reason.

For example...

Me - "Good morning, John."

John - "Don't say "good morning to John Meadows.  You say "greetings, sire!"

Me - "I'm not saying that."

John - "Fuck you, Paul.  I'm John Meadows.  The Mountain Dog.  Sit at that table over there until you can learn some respect."

Me - ".............................."

John - "These eggs are delicious.  Pay for my breakfast, bitch."

These were my general morning conversations with John...on a good day.  On a bad day, he'd try to hold me down with his short little snausage fingers and try to force me to smell his farts.  Luckily, I am stronger than John so I would break free and ask him what his fucking problem was.

I might be smiling here but on the inside I was dying

"My problem?  You're asking John Meadows what his problem is?  You don't ever ask the Mountain Dog what his problem is.  Pay for my breakfast, bitch."

Eventually, John left to go back to the states, thank God.  And the reign of terror finally came to an end.

After more than a year of serious therapy and counseling, I was able to move past that week of trauma and abuse and resumed a somewhat normal life.

Until lately, however.

John hit me up a few weeks ago, and I immediately took my lithium so as to make it through the conversation without a panic attack.

"Send John Meadows your address." he told me.

"John, my therapist said that probably isn't a good idea."

"The Mountain Dog has something to send you.  Now pay for my breakfast, bitch."

"John, I'm in Kansas City.  You're in Columbus.  I can't pay for your breakfast."

"Are you talking shit to The Mountain Dog right now?"

"No John, here, let me send you my address.  What are you sending me?"

"Some food bars."

I had no idea what a food bar was.  To me, that sounds like a place where fat people go to socialize.

A few days after this, I saw a post from Shelby Starnes where he said he had received said food bars and was highly addicted to them.  That he couldn't stop eating them.

At first I thought this was Shelby being dramatic.  However he's not one for dramatics so I easily came to the conclusion that John was sending me some form of a highly addictive substance.  Something that could easily ruin my life and have me doing unspeakable acts in piss filled alleys in order to get more these "food bars".

A few days later, a got a package that contained two boxes.  On the top of each one was a picture of John that looked like something out of a comic book.  Seeing John's image immediately caused both an anxiety attack and sudden nausea and I almost threw up all over the place.  But I practiced my deep breathing techniques until it passed, and then peeled the pictures off of the boxes so I could actually look at them long enough to open one.

Inside was what looked like a normal candy bar.

"Interesting" I thought.

I looked on the back and checked out the macros, and ingredients.  I looked up and down the contents of this "food bar" but did not see "crack cocaine" or "methamphetamines" listed anywhere.

I cracked this thing open, and took a bite.

I was not prepared for that.

Unlike most protein bars on the market, this thing really was delicious.  The texture was amazing.  And it was really moist.  Because as the name implies, it is made with real food.  So it has to be stored in the fridge.  A place as cold as John's black heart.

And also unlike the bars you normally get, that feel like you're eating a slab of pasty goo, these were soft.  Just like John's glutes in all those contests he took second place at.

What really hit me when I looked on the back, were the macros.  The first place my mind went was that was a perfect food about an hour before training.  Enough protein to initiate muscle protein synthesis,  just enough carbs as not to cause a blood sugar drop, and a solid amount of fats to slow down the digestion of them.


Combined with Muscle Intrusion from True Nutrition, this would be ideal in every way for my pre and peri workout stack.  I mean perfect.

I took a valium to relax my nerves and called John to let him know what a great product this was.

"John Meadows knows what a great product it is, bitch.  You think the Mountain Dog would make anything other than great product?" he told me.

I reiterated my thoughts about it being ideal for about an hour before training.

"You don't think I don't know that?  John Meadows knows all.  Buy my breakfast, bitch."

I went to respond to this however he abruptly hung up on me.  Which was fine as I could feel another anxiety attack coming on.

I instituted the food bar into my nutrition plan and along with the Muscle Intrusion I felt fantastic during training.  A really solid source of energy and I didn't feel overly full from eating it an hour out.  No stomach issues at all like a lot of protein bars gave me.

My main issue with them was that they were overly delicious.  And I wanted to eat many of them at a time.  Much like Shelby had talked about.  They really are that good.

If you follow up your training with some Rice Chex, almond milk, and 40 grams of whey protein you've literally got the perfect pre-peri-post workout food sources in place.

You can chalk up my addiction to these as another reason that I hate John Meadows.  Anyone who makes a protein bar taste this good must be an asshole.  After all, the market was already saturated with shitty tasting protein bars, so what was the purpose in making one that actually tasted great and was made with real food ingredients?

Seems pointless to me, but I will keep eating them until my prayers are answered and John gets blown up by military rockets.

If you're interested in adding these to your pre and peri workout habits, you can have a go at them in the linkage below.....

Get all LRB books on E-Junkie -

Follow LRB on Facebook -

Follow LRB on IG -


  1. I need more coffee because I had some time where I could not determine if this was sarcastic. :)

  2. Hilarious. You should make a "Why I hate..." series.

  3. I'm going to spend 20+ minutes cleaning the coffee off of my keyboard and computer screen that I spit out in uncontrollable laughter while reading this.....totally worth it.

    Well done.