Friday, March 28, 2014

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, did... - Bulgarian Power Burst Training

For fun and laughs, sort of, I thought I'd start a series on the shit I should I coulda done, woulda done, and things I did in terms of training over the last 25 years.

Today, I'm going to write about something I did over the summer when I was around 15 or 16 years old.

It was called "Bulgarian Power Burst Training.  And to this day, it was the dumbest piece of shit training method I've ever used.

So with further ado....


I wouldn't have bought that Bulgarian Power Burst training and spent a whole summer doing that god damn shit.  A whole summer wasted training three times a day on a program that was designed for Olympic lifters, and contorted for "bodybuilding".  All I ended up with was aching tendons and knees, no muscle, no strength, no life, and no progress.

It's literally the dumbest training ever fucking created and I hope that Tom Platz and Leo Costa Jr. are fucking ashamed of themselves for creating such a stupid fucking concept and catch a game of "knockout" for it.

Do you want to know how fucking stupid the sales pitch was?  Here, I will let you read it for yourself.  My own comments are spliced in between........

How To Put On Unbelievably Huge,
Dense, Rock-Hard Muscle As Fast
As Humanly Possible… And Without Limit!

Without limit he says!  So I can be 587 pounds of rock fucking hard muscle....AND STILL GET BIGGER!  This sounds interesting.  Go on......

Stay with me for just a minute here. I know you're skeptical — who wouldn't be, with outrageous claims like this coming at you from all the magazines, late night TV shows, and health stores.

You don't say?

This is different. What I'm telling you is the God's honest truth, and you need to hear about it because:

Because it's from the mouth of God!  So how could it be wrong?  Indeed, go on!

I guarantee you the way you're training now is cheating you out of 90% of the growth you should be getting!
Over 52,000 bodybuilders worldwide have already "come on board" with me, with absolutely astonishing results (which has caused people in their gyms to cry "steroids!" even though they're totally natural)!
52,000!!!!!  FIFTY TWO THOUUUSAND!

Let's do the math.  I think the program was like, $50.  Due to inflation, in 1991-92 $50 then is like, a million dollars now.

Anyway, let's math.

52,000 * $50 = 2.6 million dollars

2.6 million dollars.  TWO...POINT...SIX.  Million.

Dollars.

2 point Six million $.

Not only that, people were literally crying in agony, weeping like a woman overtaken by a tidal wave of estrogen after watching The Notebook.

This program did that because it was creating virtual incredible Hulk's out of the woodwork, and was changing the face of bodybuilding training FOREVER.

Oh shit, wait.  That's all lies and bullshit.  Fuck.

Basically Leo goes on to talk about how he was invited to this "hush hush" seminar in Bulgaria.  You know, to watch their Olympic lifters train.  Afterwards he was so astounded by their training methods...you know, for Olympic lifting, that he decided it HAD to work for bodybuilding!  It had to!

Yes, there's even more!

In fact, virtually any bodybuilder who switches over to this innovative training system can expect dramatic improvements in their own results in a maker of a few weeks or months.

By dramatic, I mean bodybuilders can probably double the rate of their muscle growth in as little as six to eight weeks! And they can add 13 inches to their arms… an amazing amount of pure muscle to their legs and calves… even if they think they've already "maxed" out to
their total capabilities.

I didn't fuck with anything written there.  Yes, add 13 inches to your arms.  So if you had no arms at all, they would be 13".  If you had 13" arms....26's here I come!  Also, even if you're totally maxed out in terms of muscular size, it doesn't matter!  It doesn't even fucking matter!  You're going to grow!  

But that wasn't quite enough.  It wasn't.  Just when you think the hyperbole machine was raging so hard it made bath salts look like Pez candy......

If you want enormous strength, rock hard, tightly defined muscles, a massive chest, slender waist, powerful arms and legs, and the capacity to outperform all your peers by a tremendous margin, I can make it happen faster and easier than you ever imagined possible. But not necessarily without hard work.

DESTROY YOUR PEERS!  Out perform them easily....by a tremendous margin even!!!  WITHOUT WORKING HARD!  

I'm mean at this point, I'm deep throating this program harder than Briana Banks in a scene with Rocco.  Because when you're 15 or 16 years old, this shit is what you dream about.  Finally, that program that will make you into a Viking stud muffin virtually overnight, with no hard work involved!  No steroids either!  13" on my arms!  Fuck that program where I had to do arms 4 times a week and curl until I shit my diaper.  No need for that nonsense.  Hard work was for dumbasses, and I was all about finding a short cut, and out performing all of my peers by a tremendous margin.  I needed enormous strength...rock hard muscles, a massive chest, and a slender wasp waist to go along with my fucking arms that were like legs, and legs that were like people!

Still....I was skeptical.  So I continued reading.


Three or four months on the Serious Growth Training program and you'll be pulling 20%, 30%, even up to 70% more weight with no more effort than today. Stated more powerfully—if you're bench pressing 250 pounds today— we can show you how to get that up to 400 or better using Serious Growth methods.


150 pounds on my bench in just a few months!  Holy mother of hot dogs, I'm fucking in!  Who do I make this check out to?

Oh, there's more info?

Whatever form of weight, strength or development training you pursue—why should you be content with only 55 percent of the results your body is entitled to? Really.

I can go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

I'm starting to.  But I like the cut of your jib.  Please seduce me more!

The First & Only Manual
On Serious Growth Training
I'm delighted to say that my Serious Growth Training system is quite possibly the most powerful secret training method the serious minded bodybuilder or other weight trainer could ever marshal.
I knew it!  A secret training method HAD been being withheld from me.  Rat bastards.

So why are you revealing these secrets, Leo?  Tell me.....

The answer is simple: I can no longer sit by and watch while hard-working bodybuilders like you keep getting handed garbage (and even lied to) by all those "experts" out there! I see stupid programs like the "high intensity/low volume" nonsense spread around like it was gospel… yet it just doesn't put muscle on you for more than a brief time (and then you hit that brick wall of stagnation)! And any "expert" who knows spit from shinola should know that! 

Fuck yeah, bitch!  Taking up for the little man!  It's about time!  Spit from a shinola!  Brilliant!

In my opinion, most of the "experts" today are wimps — you heard me — who spend more time with their drug suppliers than on training. You want to take drugs, slam some iron around and get puffy with bogus musculature for a few months? Fine. Then my program ain't for you. Don't even call me…

Puffy mussles.  Who wants that business when I can have some rock hard shit bulging from my clothing!  Wait, what am I talking about right now?  

Oh yeah.  Leo, and the Power Burst training method.  Keep going, Sensei Shinola...

Because I Don't Want
Your Business! 

I bet not.  2.6 million reasons why you don't need it anymore.  So what is it that you want?


I only want bodybuilders who possess a true passion for training to come on board with me. Guys with heart, and with enough brains to see the truth when it's laid down in front of them. All those steroid-drenched jerks (who call themselves "experts") shrink into puny, high-fat slobs soon after they stop their drug-intake (which they must do to continue living). You don't want that… no one with any sense wants that.

I got hearts and brains!  And mom just wrote me a check to you that I'm putting in this envelope to mail out right now.  

And who wants to shrink into a fat, puny, slob after I stop my drug cycle?  I don't!  I can't wait to start embarrassing all my buddies with my 39" arms and 11,000 pound benches with no work involved.  

Check is in the mail! 

11 comments:

  1. God this made me laugh so hard. Thank you Paul.

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  2. Funny thing is they are still selling this bullcrap. Look at this:

    http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/blast-through-the-barriers-to-become-automatic.html?mcid=face

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  3. I cant believe you actually bought that. That is pretty damn funny stuff.

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  4. I think you misread the "no hard work" part.

    "But not necessarily without hard work."

    Either way, the marketing is hilariously over the top and about par for the course for a 90s training program. I bought several myself and usually got dick squat out of them.

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  5. http://www.bigbeyondbelief.com/

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  6. The original Power Burst worked really well for me at that point, although I was 21 and unemployed so training for 6 days a week wasn't as hard.

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  7. I think if that product was sold in the UK it would contravene the trade description act 1968.I am not sure what the equivalent is in the USA but a good start might be the Better Business Bureau.
    If more people took these con men to task then good,solid,proven-to-work programmes like yours would rake in more sales.

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  8. I think it you either mis-read or had a mis-print of the add copy:

    "And can add 1-to-3 inches to their arms... an amazing amount of pure muscle to their legs and calves... even if they think they've already "maxed" out to their total capabilities."

    See the link I posted which has the original add copy even though it is their newer product.

    Still outrageous but not 13".

    BTW the product was available in the UK

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    Replies
    1. I just did a copy and paste job, and 13" sounds more fun. LOL

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  9. @Zaf...Stop being pedantic,its patently obvious that the programme simply cannot produce the results it promises.Period.

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  10. I did this exact same program when I was in my teens, I faithfully lifted three times a day, six days a week and amazingly, did not grow. Damn you Platz. This was a fun read, I totally forgot about that program, probably blocked it out for a reason.

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