Friday, November 14, 2014

Thoughts about life, crap, training, and stuff - Cheaters

Unfortunately I read an article this morning about why ALL men cheat.  Wait, there was a caveat.  All men cheat on loyal women.


That's a absolute, in case you didn't know.

That means, that 100% of dong sporting humans will fuck around on his very loyal woman.

I'm not sure where to start with such a shit article, but I guess here.....

1.  Not all men cheat.  There are loyal men out there too.  

2.  Articles like this plant messages in women's minds that all mean cheat, and plenty (notice I didn't use an absolute there?) of women enter into relationships without embracing the choice to trust because of tripe such as this.  Regardless of whether they had been cheated on or not by a man previously.

3.  The article goes on to say that men, excuse me....MALES....cheat because they are insecure and need to feed their ego.

I could spend a day tearing all of this shit apart.  However I still need to eat, and do business, and train, and play with my kids.  So Imma try to keep this as short as I can (which means at least 2,200 words).

First off, men and women both generally cheat for a lot of the same reasons.

1. They feel unfulfilled, or unappreciated in the primary relationship.

2.  They find excitement in it.  

3.  They are drunk.  

4.  They get caught up in a moment or get seduced and make a poor choice.

5.  They need affirmation that they are still wanted, or desirable.  

6.  Some people aren't wired to be completely monogamous (more on this at the end)

This doesn't cover every reason of course.  But I think it covers most reasons pretty thoroughly.  I can't account for why every person in the world decided to cheat, nor can I account for the myriad of situations one can find themselves in where they decide to be unfaithful.  So I'm trying to stick with the basics.

As someone who has been cheated on, and cheated, I can tell you in my own experience it revolved around reason #1 in both circumstances.  The feeling of being unappreciated in the relationship I was in was the issue.  I can also tell you, because I'm being honest, that I've been cheated on because I did not fulfill and appreciate the person I was with at the time the way I should have.

From my own experience in talking with people about this, most don't take a long hard look at themselves when they find out they have been cheated on.  I remember a while back that someone posted a meme that read "Don't let your man leave the house horny, or hungry" and some women got offended by it.


Seems like good advice to me.  Wouldn't doing so mean you're simply doing a part of keeping your man fulfilled in the relationship?  The counter argument to that is that the man should love her enough and be disciplined enough not to be persuaded by other women.  Maybe.  Maybe not.

I guess my question to that is, why take a chance when you can instill preventative measures?

From a physiological perspective men are wired visually, and meant to procreate (so are women yes, but the stimulation mechanisms are biologically different).

Now your man has left the house with a raging boner, gets to the bar with his buddies, slams a few, gets hit on by some chick that's really hot (ok she's more like a weak 6, but with the beer goggles she's a strong 8 now), and now he's out in his El Dorado with ol girl from the bar.

Mind you, none of this is an excuse for that kind of behavior if he is an committed relationship.  I'm just trying to talk about reality here.  It does happen.  It's less likely to happen if you treat your man like it's "steak and a BJ day" more days than not.    

Women on the other hand, are not really visually wired.  Which is why it's such a strange phenomenon that so many males enter the gym to get a better body in hopes of attracting more women.  There have been plenty of social experiments that back up the idea that women can be emotionally moved or seduced via how a man interacts with her, rather than what his abs look like, or what kind of trendy haircut he's sporting.

It's also been shown that plenty of women are willing to bang a dude just because he drives a Lambo, but I digress.

Interestingly enough, it seems like as genders we do a lot of the things we do, like lift weights and buy designer bags to impress those of our own gender.  And not of the opposite sex.  I've never had a single friend that told me he was dating some girl or going on a date with her because of the Louis Vuitton handbag she was sporting when they met.  Men don't generally care about that shit.  Women do.

In fact, when men have conversations about a woman they met it often goes off like this....

Dude 1 - "I met this girl this weekend.  We're going out Tuesday."

Dude 2 - "Oh yeah?"

Dude 1 - "Hell yeah.  Hot as fuck."

Dude 2 - "Oh shit!"

That's it.  We're glad our buddy has a hot date.  He seems to be as well, so we're happy for him.

There also might be a comment about her ass or something, but we as men start very simple in regards to requirements for a first date.  Yes it is true, that an intellectual/articulate woman is hot, and it's a big turn on, however that's one of those bonus things.  It simply extends the conversation from above....

Dude 1 - "I met this girl this weekend.  We're going out Tuesday."

Dude 2 - "Oh yeah?"

Dude 1 - "Hell yeah.  Hot as fuck."

Dude 2 - "Oh shit!"

Dude 1 - "She's smart too."

Dude 2 - "Right on."  

I'm not saying males and females aren't attracted to someone initially because of appearance, because I do believe that physical attraction plays a big part in someone getting their foot in the door.  I believe that has been shown through science.  I'm just saying that with women it usually plays less of a part in it than men.  He needs to be able to woo her emotionally and intellectually more than physically.  Owning that Lambo doesn't appear to hurt either.

I've heard women's conversations about this, and they generally sound quite different.

Chick 1 - "So, I met a guy this weekend at Cathy's get together.  We're going out Tuesday."

Chick 2 - "Oh yeah?"

Chick 1 - "His name is Roger.  He's a manager at Davidson's."  

Chick 2 - "Oh shit!"

Chick 1 - "Yup, he drives a Lambo.  Someone's panties are getting peeled off early that night."

Chick 2 - "Oh shit!"

Ok, I'm just kidding.

For serious now.........

Chick 1 - "So, I met a guy this weekend at Cathy's get together.  We're going out Tuesday."

Chick 2 - "Oh yeah?"

Chick 1 - "His name is Roger.  He's a manager at Davidson's."  

Chick 2 - "Oh shit!"

Chick 1 - "Yup, he drives a Lambo.  Can you say "fuck on the first date?""

Chick 2 - "Oh shit!"

Alright, alright......I had to do it to you one more time.  Ok for real this time.....

Chick 1 - "So, I met a guy this weekend at Cathy's get together.  We're going out Tuesday."

Chick 2 - "Oh yeah?"

Chick 1 - "His name is Roger.  He's a manager at Davidson's."  

Chick 2 - "Where are you going?"

Chick 1 - "He said he knows a spot out in Hillsdale"

Chick 2 - "Sounds fancy."

Chick 1 - "He was really funny too.  He told me this joke...."

Ok the conversation usually gets really boring from there, but you get the gist of it.  Men initially tend to focus on the external (how she looks) at first, and women the internal (how he made her feel).

And now we're at the crux of it all.

The fact is, a man will get used to looking at his beautiful woman.  As the saying goes, show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man tired of her shit.

There's sort of a deeper message lost in that very red-necky saying.

And it's this.  After all of the novelty and newness of someone wears off....what are you left with?  What are they "feeding" you?  Emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  For a relationship to continue thriving it has to be fed on all these parts or it will wilt and die.  To add, as people grow they change, and need different types of things to be fed.  It's up to both people to be open enough and receptive enough to listen to those needs, and more importantly, have application in regards to them.

This is why communication isn't enough.  The application part is probably more important.  Lots of couples fail because while they hear the needs of the other person, there is no application of those needs.  Communication is only worth it if the other person applies those needs that are being communicated.

If you tell me that after work you need your feet rubbed, but I fail to apply a foot rubbing, then communication isn't the problem.  It's the lack of application of what I know you need.   What generally happens next is that the communicator stops letting the other person know what they need, because they feel doing so is a waste of time.

And this brings us back to the original point of "don't let your man leave the house horny or hungry".  As a man I would say don't let your woman leave the house horny or hungry either.  The feeding aspect would be the difference (because I think in the other case the "hungry" part is more literal).  In this example, it's just a foot massage.  But feeding your woman could mean lots of other things too, of course.

Like occasionally have dinner ready when she gets home.  Do the laundry, clean the house, get a sitter for the kids (if you have them) once a week so you can still romance her.  If the woman needs to take care of her man physically, then understand as a man you need to take care of her emotionally (I don't mean to imply that men never need emotional catering at all, because we do).

It's up to you to figure out what those needs are.  It may mean being more affectionate with her.  Or, God forbid, even watch a fucking chick flick now and then if that is what she's into.

The point is, if you are going to be in a relationship don't expect it to be just about your own personal needs.  There's someone else involved too.  And I see far too much entitlement now about how a man treats a woman, yet so little in the way about how people are supposed to treat EACH OTHER.  A big part of a loving relationship is understanding the needs of your partner and caring enough to meet them.

Let me rephrase that....a big part of a loving relationship is understanding the needs of each other and doing what it takes to meet them.  It's a reciprocation that is done because it's important to you to make sure your partner is happy.  They do the same for you.

For example, I've read or heard of women withholding sex because she's pissed off at her man.  This is a dangerous thing to do.  Sex should never be used as a bartering tool in the relationship.  When that happens, it can lose the sincerity and purpose it serves in an intimate relationship.  That is of course, physical and emotional satisfaction.   It shouldn't be a "reward" system.  Like getting gold stars in Sunday school because we remembered your Bible verses for the week.

Well this isn't Sunday school, and the fact is after a while someone will resent the other person for such behavior and now a lack of fulfillment and appreciation will manifest itself in some hideous way.

Often times, that is infidelity.  It can be other things too, like doing shit to spite each other, and that's not healthy either.  At the core of all of this, is one person's inability/want to do the things the other person needs to feel respected and appreciated in the relationship.

When this is lost, sometimes cheating finds its way into your life.

Either you get cheated on, or do the cheating.  

As a cheater, you need to own a very simple fact.  It was your choice.  Even if you were unfulfilled, you as an adult still made the choice to be unfaithful.  Blaming the other person for your own actions is where the weakness is.  You made the decision.  Be strong enough to own it.  Don't blame the other person regardless of what they did to make you feel like your actions were justified.  When you unload your infidelity on them don't intensify the pain of that by blaming them.  

As the person who was cheated on, after the emotional wreckage and anger subsides, and the fire department extinguishes the blaze you set to your lovers car.....ask yourself an honest question.  What part did I play in this situation?

If you feel unfulfilled, and you've talked to your significant other about it and nothing changed, cheating generally only adds to the existing problems.  Yes, I've heard of relationships where people cheated or had affairs and that it actually made things better later.  Mainly because there were two people willing to question each other and themselves, and be honest as to how such a situation transpired and how to avoid it in the future.

My question would be, are you willing to take that chance?  Not everyone can be that introspective when they are that heavily invested in a relationship.  Sometimes it just cuts too deep and someone is just not strong enough to find it within themselves to forgive.

If you want to make sure the odds are at their lowest of getting cheated on, then yes women, don't let your man leave the house horny and hungry.  And men don't let your women leave the house horny or emotionally hungry either.

All in all..........

1.  Don't enter into a relationship with someone you can't make a choice to trust.  Trust isn't built or earned.  It's simply a choice.  No, you don't have to trust them from day 1, but if you can't EVER make a choice to trust them then you're either in the wrong relationship, or you're still carrying around prior-relationship baggage with you.  If it's the latter, the next person you meet won't be trustworthy either.  Not because of them, but because of your inability to let go of what other people have done.

2.  If you cheat, own it.  Don't blame the other person for your decisions.  Even if they are completely valid, you still made the choice.

3.  If you get cheated on, be introspective enough to ask if you played a part in someone making that choice.  Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't.

4.  If you're going to stay together, don't nut sack or vagina kick the other person to death everyday over it.  Calling her a whore or you calling him a piece of shit day in and day out does nothing but deteriorate and dissolve anything good that may remain.  This doesn't mean you can't talk about it.  Just talk about it in a way that can strengthen the relationship going forward, if that's what you both want.

5.  As the cheater, expect to have to do things that allows the other person make a choice to trust you again.  You may have to keep your phone unlocked, or give up your passwords to social media.  There is a difference in secrecy and privacy.  Once you cheat, you should expect to lose a bit of both for a while.  If you're not willing to do that, then walk away.  You fucked up.  Expect a penance.

6.  There are loyal, faithful, and honest men and women out there.  

7.  Apparently, monogamy and non monogamy may exist on a continuum.  No different than being an extrovert or introvert, some people appear to be wired for one more than the other.  And there appears to be varying degrees of this.  Some people don't do well at monogamy, and they very well might not be wired for that.  This will probably be questioned by people and/or make people angry.  But personality characteristics range on a very big scale in many facets.  Some people just aren't wired to be with one person, and some people are.  There is no blood test that you can get to determine this.  It's generally seen through a person's actions and behaviors.  In our society being faithful is seen as very noble thing, and I do agree that if you tell someone you're in a committed relationship with them, then you should honor your word on that.  If you find that you're a person that struggles in monogamous committed relationships then at least understand that about yourself.

Definitely more than 2,200 words.

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  1. Great article as always, Paul.

    On a training note, Josh Bryant just posted a related article in terms of CAT that I thought really backs up what you and other strong lifters have been saying years. He sums up the article as follows:

    "This is the primary piece of the strength pie. It will take longer but you can get stronger by training with 65-80 percent of your max to momentary muscular failure (MMF). Furthermore, you will get stronger by lifting lighter weights faster. You can produce higher amounts of force this way when compared to heavy weights."

    Always nice to hear/read that a lot of you stronger and more experienced lifters are on the same page.

    Thanks as always, Paul.

  2. A long time ago, in a land... well, no so far away, my then-boyfriend and I decided that we were going to take a stab at building a long-term relationship. We also decided that this was to be monogamous. The prospect of long-term monogamy looks pretty damned daunting when you're in your twenties, but we were going to give it a whirl.

    To that end, we made a deal. Neither of us would ever turn down the other's sexual advances for reasons other than severe illness or injury. In those cases, if we couldn't legitimately work around the injury or illness by initiating creativity, we'd gracefully bow out. But this was to be a last-ditch thing.

    Know what? That feeling of "I'm not in the mood," is changeable. Just as changeable as the feeling of, "Crap, I just don't feel like pulling heavy deads today." And even when it's not changeable, it's possible to go along with it and get it done with good humour and grace. In other words, fake it for the sake of the greater good. What's also true is that often times the act of "going along with it" ends with you truly enjoying yourself. And either way, your partner gets what they need. You also learn how to turn your focus on to that other person, how to focus your mind on whatever you need to think about to get turned on and eventually, it becomes a habit. "Wanna have sex?" becomes as easy a question to answer as, "Am I going to train today?" The same answer applies. "Of course."

    And this isn't just about sex. It's about taking care of the needs of the other person that you would not want anyone else to take care of. Those include talking about the important things in your lives. And the footrubs that you mentioned. :-)
    Although I think you maybe underestimate how much women watch men in the gym and their reactions. We watch not only what they look like, but how they train. When we see a man train with determination, consistency, intelligence and passion, we know an awful lot about his character. We don't so much watch his ass (although we certainly notice it), as we observe what he's doing to achieve and improve that.

    Apologies for the book! Great post!