So we just averted another potential school mass murdering.
The timing of it was strange, because I have been getting ready to take down the "Emily" link on the right side of the blog.
Mainly for the reason that, sometimes you do have to stop being reminded of loss, and you have to move on. This doesn't mean it doesn't matter anymore. Far from it. It just moves you have to move on from the pain associated with that loss.
This can be incredibly difficult for some. Well, for most of us to varying degrees. Eternal loss is a hard thing to accept. Whatever that thing is that we loved so much, is now forever gone. And all of the things that were unique about that "thing", can no longer be held anymore. We'll never directly experience those things again, and that's what generally grieves us the most. The loss of uniqueness that it brought to our life. It's immeasurable to us.
So I didn't think about taking down the Emily link for any other reason than, eventually you have to take a step towards letting go of that pain. Not letting go of the "thing" or the person, or whatever. Just the pain associated with the loss of it. You can't fully heal until you decide you want to. And a big part of that is making the decision to embrace happiness again.
I know a woman who lost her husband, and was never able to let go of the grief of losing him. She never married again, and she's pretty old now. She'll never marry again, obviously. And most of the time she makes life miserable in some way, shape, or form for those that are around her.
She ended up being fairly miserable most of her life after that loss, because she couldn't come to grips with the fact that she needed to let go of that pain. And rather than honoring the memory of his loss by living a happy life, she more or less tarnished it (in my opinion) by continuing to stay miserable about it. That miserableness consumed her, and became who she was. Embracing happiness was never an option because to embrace something new, you have to let go of whatever it is you're currently holding on to.
I think we all want the people we love to be happy. Even if that means being happy with someone else after we are gone. I don't want the people who love me to grieve their life away after I'm gone. I'd want them to eventually love life again, and live it to the fullest of capacity because I can't be resurrected. I would hope I created enough memories.....enough great memories, in that persons life so that eventually those would be the things they remembered more than the loss of me. That those great memories would eventually overshadow the poor ones we created. The ones we wished we could forget about.
This is why I write so much about leaving a legacy behind, minding your tongue, and treating the people you love in a way that you don't have to say "I'm sorry" very often.
It's not just about the fact that once they are gone, and you find yourself without them, that words and actions spoke and performed in anger will haunt you. It's also about the fact that when you are gone, all of the malicious exchanges can and will haunt them, too.
We dwell so much on things we say and do that were hurtful, or spiteful, or in contrast with our love for someone because subconsciously we know our time with them is limited. It's all very temporal. I wrote once before about all of the "last times" that we have with someone. That we never know when they are, but once we can't have any more "last times" it's all we can ever think about.
It's not "preachy". It's a reminder to myself.
I'm just as guilty as failing in these tasks as anyone. But I work on trying to get better everyday at these things. I still fail sometimes, and other times I succeed. The success always feels worth it because I didn't let my weaknesses win. I remained strong in my efforts to mind my tongue, and my actions. It's so easy to let venom fly, and so hard to show love and compassion when you feel wronged. One thing that keeps echoing through my thoughts is that the right decision always feels like the hardest one during times where we feel "wronged".
As lifters we pride ourselves on getting stronger in our body, yet rarely put 1/100th of that effort into getting stronger in our soul. In our integrity. In our actions, and reactions to what we feel as slights against us. And sadly enough, it's not until we lose something that we decide a paradigm shift is needed, and that the person we are, just isn't good enough any fucking more.
I'm thankful a crisis was avoided, and that as a country we're not grieving over even more loss of our beloved young people. I'm glad this week hasn't been filled with more grieving families. I hope those families wake up every day with an understanding that life can be taken away in an instant, and that somehow the "almost" loss, can be something that influences a positive change in their daily habits.
I also wish that as a person, I could find a way to consistently make myself better too. I wish that we all could learn how to love each other in a way that we never have to say we're sorry. That we could find that line between being selfish enough to be happy, and selfless enough to extend that happiness to those we wrap our arms around.
Because there will be a day that comes, where "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" won't even be options any longer. And I hate to think that I might end up living in regret for the remainder of my existence because I was too weak to show more love, and less hate.
To everyone that I hold close to me, I love you and thank you for being in my life.