Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The case for not squatting deep

The last month has been filled with controversy regarding high squats, both in the multiply and raw division of powerlifting.

At first, I understood the outrage.  I too, had some outrage about it.  I was amazed that a rule so simple as "crease of the hip below the knee" could be so blatantly disregarded.  So easily overlooked.  I was dumbfounded by the inability of three people to see this happen....or not happen, right in front of their face.  Literally mere feet away, they lacked the ability to give an accurate judgement on this very simple rule.

After all of the dust settled, and all of the high squats were counted, it dawned on me.  I had an epiphany.

"Why the fuck do we need to squat down that god damn low in the first place?"

It really makes no sense.

First off, to quote my friend Zundy, "squatting to depth is hard.  I mean, depth is so far down there.  And there's really nothing down there that I'm that interested in to be honest."

To add to that, what's so bad about being a house squatter?  If you don't know what a house squatter is, it's because the legs only go down at about the same angle as the roof on a house.

Behold!  House squats!  Don't be jelly of my mad paint brush skills.

You get the idea.

This stuff is really bullshit and fairly ridiculous 

Even when I'm sitting on a toilet, which puts me close to depth, I'm not doing something anyone wants to be a part of.  I'm doing something rotten.  Something dastardly.

Something PRIVATE!

"That's right, there IS someone in that stall hitting depth, however it's really none of your business."

Depth is still questionable....and still private 

That means anything BELOW that is really something only those beyond the realms of death should ever experience.

But that's the world we live in now, however.  People are nosy as fuck, and feel like they always need to know when you hit depth.  And I find it intrusive and offensive.  It's really none of your fucking business if I hit depth, or don't.  Even if I'm inside you.  So why do I have three people judging me on it?  Aren't we told every single day, that judging people is wrong?  Yet, in powerlifting I have THREE people judging me.....on purpose!

Even in Christian federations, they judge.  Wasn't it Christ that said........

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged.  For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you."

That means, Christian powerlifting judges, after I squat I want to see you do the same.  And I will level judgement based on the way you judge my squat.  So if you red light me for not hitting depth, I'm going to red light your shit as well.  More than likely regardless of how deep you get.  Because I'm a vengeful old testiment kinda lifter competing inside your new testimenty fed!  Bet you didn't see that coming.  

The only reason I could find for EVER squatting down that low, is if we lived in a world where all the women were 6'6" or taller, and for whatever reason they all required standing cunnilingus.

At that point, men of average height would be required to squat to depth, or very close to it.  Even multiply guys would be required to get down low.  Multiply cunnilingus meets are something I feel would take off, and be in great demand all across the nation.  It would also serve as a way to CLEARLY know if they hit depth. The woman standing in front of the lifter would be able to say with complete certain if cunnilingus was achieved or not.  Rendering the need for three judges obsolete.

Ol' boy still has to hit depth to hit it

Midgets of course, would be in high demand ("high demand"...I got jokes ya'll) in this world.  Never ever needing to squat to depth to provide pleasure and joy.  Not that midgets don't provide pleasure and joy, they clearly do.  I just meant for the women.  The tall women in this imaginary world.

You understand what I meant.  Shut the fuck up.

However this world currently does't exist, and I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about that to be honest.  I guess it would all depend on the attitudes of these women.  Some tall women are really bitchy, and won't date guys that aren't 7'8".  You know what I'm talking about fellas.  That chick that is like "oh I'm 5'11", I won't date a man that isn't 6'9"."  You are 5'11", not eighteen foot twelve, why do you need a man so god damn tall?  Am I missing something?

Not to mention that since you love to wear 6" heels to be even taller and draw even more attention to yourself, we as men have options to match this behavior.  Like Gene Simmons boots and Abraham Lincoln hats, baby.  I'm taller than Shaq now, so what's up?  I am now taller than you, and gathering even more attention.  I'm sure this angers you to an even greater degree.


What's up now?

But back to midgets giving said Amazon women cunnilingus.......once again, this would happen most of the time in private.  If it was not happening in private, such as on a porno set, those people are getting paid for squatting to depth.  When you get money for a skill, that makes you a pro.  So only a PRO, someone getting paid to squat to depth, should ever really be hitting depth.  The rest of us should form a depth union and either get paid for squatting to depth, or ask that the criteria be changed all together.

If it does get changed, then I want a coin machine installed in public shitters, where I get paid to take care of my private business.  At least put a vending machine in there, so I can refill the tank and not always be in a net loss.  I feel like that is only fair for squatting to....near depth.



  1. greatest post of all time? greatest post of all time.

  2. I'm not entirely too sure where you were going with this one, Paul. Not to be overly skeptic, but the parallel squat is not /that/ hard to reach. Humans have a naturally tendency to be able to squat to full depth, and it is only in later years do we lose that tendency, mostly from sitting in chairs, becoming less mobile, etc. Obviously an ATG squat in powerlifting is not necessary and isn't a great indication of max strength potential in the lower body, but in lieu of recent events (eg powerlifting feds white lighting squats 4" high) a balance should be established and reinforced, and that's at parallel. I think the squat to parallel is just fine as it is.

    Some sort of "Live Action Replay" would be one of the best innovations in determining squat depth, due to erroneous human nature. It's 2013 and they can't have a simple camcorder set up just to make sure? I have seen several legitimate squats to parallel be red lighted.

    Much respect and I love your articles, Paul, just had to voice my opinion on this one.

    1. It was satire. I mean midgets and cunnilingus and KISS boots.......for serious.

    2. Sigh of relief. I read it over a couple times and couldn't tell if it was a joke or not haha.

    3. Legitimize; The "World Record" now belongs to a high squat, so why should anyone bother?


  3. In this brave new world small man best for Snu Snu!

  4. Ever hit depth to shit after hitting depth in the gym? You might get it going down but you'll be rolling off the shitter and crawling down the hall looking for a helping hand up. Always house squat on the shitter after a squat day. ALWAYS...or have an industrial towel rack installed in your bathroom to assist out of the hole.

  5. My stats class wondered why I started cackling like an idiot. Funny shit.

  6. Hilarious. I love your stuff, Paul. Your SLL book has me rethinking and switching up my approach. So far, so good. Keep up the awesomeness.

  7. Good stuff! At 6'7" I always shit to depth. The trick is not to shit while squatting at the gym though.