This morning was departure morning, i.e. "get the fuck out of bed really early, drive in the god damn rain, and be tired and hungry and thirsty and grouchy all day" morning.
I ate my casein pudding this morning, mixed with 4 ounces of water and a teaspoon of instant coffee. You have to mush it with a spoon for a while, but the consistency becomes really nice, and it's actually quite delicious.
And by "delicious" I don't mean "it's delicious for a protein powder snack" I mean delicious as in, I can't wait to eat gobs of this after I get back home and figure out my offseason diet. Yeah, it's really that good. I bet a little peanut butter in it is going to be like crack was to Bobby Brown and ol' Whit.
Anyway, I scarfed that down, got to the airport, checked my shit in and then had a "why?" moment when the guys loading my luggage asked me "do you have any locks on your luggage?"
"No....." I said, incredulously. I couldn't quite figure out why he was asking me that. I'd never been asked that before.
More on that later.
On my first flight, I sat next to one guy who wore a big bird yellow pocket tee and had two fucking magazines about stocks and the god damn stock market sitting on his fold out table. You can imagine how interesting this asshat was. By that I mean, he was not. At all. He said nary a word for almost two hours, and seemed incredibly incensed by me having to pee twice. The second time I finally gave him a look of "don't make me cave your fucking face in right now...." and his haughty attitude cleared shortly after he did the same with his throat.
The guy on my right read a book, and seemed to be in a time warp. I peered over quickly to see what page he was on, just out of sheer curiosity.
Ten minutes later I looked back over.
Ten minutes later.........
What was odd is that he never moved. At all. As if some estranged X-Man had come by and frozen him in that moment. To be punished for all eternity by staring at page 130 of....whatever it was he was reading.
The second flight fared no better. I was in the very back of the plane, where I hate to be....because here's the thing, WHY THE FUCKKKKK DOES IT TAKE SO LONG TO GET OFF THE PLANE?!?!?!!!
Seriously. This is all you do. Get a bag, walk the fuck off. That's it. I don't know what people are doing in the front of the plane that takes all afternoon. Are there mai tai's and Hooter's girls serving wings at the end of every flight and the old men stuck at the front just can't bring their nearly viagra coma induced selves to find a way to get past it all? Just can't walk off the plane?
Anyway, this happened as usual, and I sat and fumed. Yes, I'm testy because it's close to meet time, and I'm hungry and thirsty, and horny and all of those things do not add up to a very pleasant Paul (I'm only pleasant when I have those other things about 40% of the time, anyway).
Those emotions seem as though it might enjoy the mai tai and Hooters girl wing serving display to partake in, however when you're tired, hungry, angry, AND horny you can't figure out which one you'd like the most, and one tends to get in the way of the other, fighting for priorities. You can't really bang when you're tired and hungry, so you want food, but then you get sleepy, and then........whatever.
After I finally got off the plane I made my way down to where the hotel shuttles are supposed to be. So I waited. And waited. And finally called my hotel to send one.
So I waited. And waited. And called back.
"He should be there any minute."
When he did arrive, no apology for being 45 minutes late from a hotel that's less than 2 miles away (yes I could have taken a cab however....this is free). No, he did not apologize. In fact, he seemed UPSET that he had to pick me up! OH YES! What an inconvenience I am to his fucking daily job of you know, picking mother fuckers up at the airport.
I finally get to my hotel, open up luggage and grab my scale. I wanted to see what my weight was doing.
Since there were people who were upset over my "naked selfie" (I wasn't naked for one, and two...it's the god damn internet. Jesus Christ, you're upset over a "naked" mans torso????) here is one with jeans on....
So I got the hotel shuttle to pick me up (different person this time, thank God) and take me down to the Kroger. There, I bought an assortment of goodies including the following........
Tomorrow between meals, I will snack on these things until eventually they are all gone. The key is, not to bloat yourself up. To eat constantly through the day, and minimize fat intake. Some people will tell you to stuff yourself. I found this to be very counterproductive. You need to think about eating steadily all day. Not trying to shovel as much food into your face as you can in one sitting. Get tons of fluids in that can rehydrate the body. Well, that's hard to do if the fluid is sitting in your gut because you just ate 42 slices of pizza.
So here I sit in this god damn hotel room, typing this...and waiting. Just waiting on morning to come, so I can get on that scale and be done with it and then eat and drink and be happy again.
I am going to put locks on my luggage from now on.ReplyDelete
What's in the casein pudding...just powder, water, and cofee? And good luck btwReplyDelete
Yeah. You can just use the casein. 2 scoops in 4 ounces of water makes it real real thick. If you like it a little less thick I'd say start with 6 ounces. You have to work it for a while, because at first you're like "this doesn't work"...but it does.Delete
Have you tried mixing protein powder with plain Greek yogurt? Pretty darn good, especially if you add peanut butter...Delete
Seriously? Jesus fucking Christ. Quit bitching. All flights are the same. Most shitty hotels provide the same shitty shuttle service. And Jesus hates you. So what? --also, they can get in your luggage whether you lock it or not.ReplyDelete
I like reading your blog but this was too much. I want to hear some shit about how you just said "fuck the odds" and demolished the opposition. Not how your panties got wet and you don't know if you'll ever be able to wash the cream out of the pretty pink.
Besides all that, I dig your testimonials and enjoy reading your experiences. Can't wait to see your lifts.
Dude go suck a fucking dick.Delete
I'm not always going to be a happy fucking camper or talk about how pleasant shit is. Sometimes when you haven't eaten, drank, or slept for days on end you can get pissed off at shit. If you don't like it don't fucking read it. I will god damn bitch about something if I feel like it because you know, ITS MY FUCKING BLOG.
Go eat a bag of Lexington Steel dicks you queef.
I work fly in fly out so twice a fortnight fly to site. Luckily for my sanity miners do not apply the standard take ages for no apparent reason to get the fuck off the plane approach. I feel your pain man it burns my piss.ReplyDelete
Loved the "and be happy again" LOL Like you are EVER happy!!! Okay you did say 40% of the time, if are well fed, rested, and over-sexed! Kick ass at the meet!ReplyDelete
That's really shitty that airport security took your protein powder and didn't even say anything to you. Every time I fly it's a miserable experience.ReplyDelete
I'm just curious, what brand of casein you on dawg?ReplyDelete
Im also curious. I have yet to find a protein powder that I look forward to eating.Delete
Paul, I've been reading your blog for a while and enjoy the information you put out. Thank you. I remember last meet you did, you mentioned you took a xananx or valium the night before. I have taken these things in the past for reasons such as sleeplessness and anxiety and I know for a fact, even in low doses, they will hinder your lifts the next day. And this is true regardless of how much caffeine you take in. Just something to think about going into this meet.Good luck this weekend. And write what the fuck you want, it's your blog and we all need to vent sometimes (not that you need me to tell you that). Anyway, kill it this weekend. Strength of the bear!ReplyDelete