Thursday, August 4, 2011

10 ways to lose your man card

This is a common topic with me and my friends and I constantly give them shit about it.  So with that said, I'm going to list the top 10 ways you can and should have your man card revoked.

1.  Driving a minivan

I don't give a shit what you like about it.  It's a soccer mom taxi and that shit is for women and men who get owned by their women (because no man ASKS to buy a minivan).  If you need to load up box after box of Tampax then sure, get you a minivan and call it a day.  Otherwise, you better be driving some shit that produces maximum horsepower with minimum gas mileage.  All you have to do is ask yourself this, would James Bond drive a minivan?  Fuck no.  He bangs trim and kills bad guys.  That's manly.  If Conan or Leonidas were created in 21st Century form would they be driving a fucking mom wagon?  What do you think?  If you bought one, turn in your man card.

Even his kids are disgusted.  Look at the dejection on the sons face.  

2.  Watching chic flicks to appease your woman

This is probably a bigger pet peeve of mine than #1 but there really isn't much difference in 1 and 2 so  this one is #2.  Don't watch some shit you don't want to watch.  And how about this, spare me the "well she watches movies she doesn't want to watch with me, so I return the favor."  I'm sorry do you need to lose your man card for needing your woman to watch a movie with you, that she doesn't like?  If your movie watching shit consists of romantic comedies where some bitch is crying in the bathroom while her gay best friend consoling her or some shit like that, just turn the man card in on your way out of Bed Bath and Beyond, which you are sure to be in later.

If you watched this with your woman you are a bitch

3.  Having the dude at the auto parts store put your windshield wiper on for you.

Jesus mother of God, if this happened just drive your minivan into a light pole at the fastest speed it will get up to.  Which is about 47 MPH.  But leave the seatbelt off so you can fly through the windshield.  Have your man card in your hand so when you fly out the windshield someone will find it and know you got all bitched up about something, and were deserving of your death.

4.  Leaving a party or gathering with your buddies because your woman told you to

You don't leave MMA fight parties to go do some shit your woman told you to do.  You don't leave a kegger or the bar or club or anything where you are having fun, because she's pissed and wants you to do something to appease her.  What guys haven't figured out is, the MAJORITY of women are trying to tame men because it makes them feel empowered.  This is a psychological fact.  It's also a fact that when you get tamed they get bored with you.  Then someone else gets to hit it because you turned in your man card, and she made it happen.  Set yourself on fire with grease.

5.  Wearing an "in style" haircut

This means feaux hawks and that god damn emo style shit that Johnny from Karate Kid was wearing.  Johnny lost bitches.  And you lose when you get your hair "done" that way.  If you have to "do" your hair, then turn in your man card.  This doesn't apply to long hair unless you're spending time with a flat iron and "styling" it.  Think about this, everyone laughs at mullets now.  And in 10 years, everyone is going to laugh at all the dumbasses that sported these haircuts too.  Over time I am thankful for my Jason Statham hair because I never get caught in stylish bullshit.  Turn in  your man card to Daniel-san on your way out homeboy.

Yes he looks manly doesn't he?

6.  Having a low back tattoo

What the fuck were you thinking?

No caption required at how bitched up this is.

7.  Going bitch shopping with her

This is where she drags you around all day to make you go shopping for shit she wants.  You spend half the day not buying a god damn thing and listening to her squeal about something on sale that she never gave a shit about before that very moment.  The only exception to this is if Victoria Secret shopping is involved, and then you need to limit the time there to try and get her into Frederick's of Hollywood because it's nastier.

8.  Stay with a chic that has turned down marriage proposing more than twice.

If you ask a chic for her hand in marriage once and she says no, that's fine.  She should at least be able to tell you why she is saying no.  And no should mean "no, not right now."  If you make some solid man-changes and she says no on the second try and you stay with her, just go get raped by a big sweaty bear in the mountains because you suck.  Turn in your man card after you get down from the Rocky's.

9.  Curling in the power rack.

Die you piece of shit.  You fucking disgust me.

Should be in every gym

10.   Getting butt hurt or defensive about this list.

A clear sign you need to turn in your man card is getting butthurt over this list.


  1. Great list and good for some laughs.

    I don't see a huge difference between some of it and your appletinis though. :)

    I honestly think I hate most SUV's (I’m excluding SUV’s like Suburbans) more than minivans. At least there's some sense to a minivan (gas mileage, room, etc.). Most SUV's are just old people trying to be cool/young. It's not a lot different than a 45 year old woman wearing her teenage daughter's clothes. It’s sad really. I was recently working out-of-town and we had 5 dudes that all had to pile into one car. Price wise we could get a full size car (actually kind of small), a mid-sized SUV (like an Explorer) or a mini-van. They thought they were going to lose all coolness they may have accumulated in their lifetime were they to pile into a mini-van and were ready to sit on top of one another in those small ass cars with luggage to maintain it. Fortunately, I was in charge and forced the mini-van and guess what; three days into the week they were loving that damn thing.

    If I needed a big car, given a choice, I would go with a conversion van. Straight luxury and it's not like I'll be off-roading anytime soon; or a good old pickup truck (because I need one every weekend it seems).


  2. lol I drove a minivan for 10 years and I watched plenty of chic flixs cuz I wanted to get laid. There .. I said it. lol


  3. good stuff, real funny shit paul - and so true haha.

  4. Al - I've been over the drink thing before. Most really average dudes drink beer. By average I mean run of the mill, carbon copy dudes that stand around the bar wearing an Affliction shirt, hoping a chic talks to him. A bartender that reads my blog backed this up. Plus I hate the taste of beer and think it's fucking nasty.

  5. Haha. I can see that in many instances. I'm not judging you on it though. I'm just saying I could see someone compiling a list that includes that on it. A beer or two when I'm just chilling or with dinner is good but I prefer a Jack/Crown and diet myself. I'm not scared of some pink shit either (if it's a shot).

  6. I hope you're not scared of the pink.

  7. Is there a woman's equivalent of a man card? And do I possibly lose it for finding this amusing?

  8. I'd have to think about that for a while. But you def don't lose whatever it is for finding this amusing.

  9. My guy was very pleased to read that he gets to keep his card. I think I somehow scored points for that, so thanks man!

  10. LOL at #3 and #6--I honestly have never seen a guy with a low back tat and never thought it would happen, that shit is hilarious.

  11. the trampstamps on dudes gets me everytime. I don't understand why a women would want something called a TRAMPstamp.. and now dudes start getting them? wtf

  12. Iron Bear... They say the 1st step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Your on your way. Good luck!

  13. I always hated mini-vans.

  14. suv? what's that? all i see are these lame things called "crossovers." really? it's a car. it's a big car. that's all. maybe it's supposed to make people feel more masculine, i don't know. you know, i dare to be different. i drink things people call bitch drinks, and you know what? I LIKE THEM. yeah, i do. my wife drives a minivan. sometimes, if i want to take all 4 of our kids somewhere, or if i just don't want to switch out 3 carseats into my car, i will drive the minivan. i like my minivan. i'm gonna do what i gotta do. i'm gonna do what i wanna do. nobody else has to like it. only I have to like it. i'm man enough to not give a damn what anybody says or thinks about it, and if anybody gets butthurt about me sayin all that, then they can come "talk" to me about it and we can figure out who the bitch is. i am man enough to love my wife and to lay my life down for her if need be. my wife gets love, and i get respect. that's how it is. that's how it's supposed to be. that looks different for every man. so i gives a damn about a man card. i live for God first, then my wife, then my kids. why should i care what anybody else thinks? paul, i know you're feelin some of this.

    adam R.

  15. I think rule 10 was not to get butthurt about the list.

    Some of this is inside jokes between me and co-workers.

  16. drinking white wine in a bar is also a nono...

  17. I am in big trouble...I am good for a bunch of these. I turned my man card in years ago...but at least things are smooth as silk on the home front! LOL!


  18. #11 Worrying about others view of you instead of worrying about how you view yourself. Nothing drives me crazier than when a buddy has to bail on the group and then constantly explain to me for a week why he had to do it. I don't give a shit!

  19. wow! hit a nerve with adam r!!

  20. I don't run across too many of those Dave, but I do know exactly what you're talking about and I just find it really weird.

  21. Don't get me wrong, I realize this is supposed to be tongue in cheek. All the same it seems like silly talk coming from a guy your age.;)

  22. You can lose your man card at any age.

  23. Haha great list...APART from #6.

    I have a tattoo on my lower back. it's a Thai boxers tattoo that I got when I was living in a Thai boxing camp. It was hammered in spot by spot with a needle fixed to a bamboo stake by a monk, took four hours and I was sick halfway through.

    Fuck you tramp stampers with your tribal designs. Get a REAL tattoo. Mine has tigers and stuff in it :)

    There, I feel much better now, cheers Paul

  24. I'm 17 and driving my mom's minivan but I'm saving up for a used Thunderbird. I want a car that's old so I can learn how to fix it, damnit.

  25. 1 – I drive a Ram 2500 with a Cummins 5.9 liter straight-six, high-output version turbo-charged diesel.

    2 – On Valentine's Day evening, my girl and I watched Fight Club together, because it's “our” movie (her words).

    3 – Unless it's something seriously bad that's way over my head, I do all the work on my own vehicles.

    4 – I won't leave from hanging out with buddies unless something is legitimately wrong and she needs me there for moral support. Like, if she just found out that a friend of hers died or something.

    5 – I shave my head with a straight razor.

    6 – Dear God....all of my no.

    7 – We usually go to a mix of places. Last time we went “shopping,” we went to Bass Pro Shop, Victoria's Secret, a few women's clothing joints, and a kitchen supply place where I ended up buying $50 worth of mind-numbingly spicy hot sauces.

    8 – Never been in that situation. If I were though, I wouldn't put up with that shit.

    9 – I loathe people who do that. I've nearly gotten into fights with people over it.

    10 – But...but...I watched The Notebook with my girl last week! I hate you and your stupid lists! I'm taking my toys and going home!

  26. Awesome girl you got there Will. Sounds a lot like my wife, who is also supremely awesome.

    I think what you are describing there is a mutual respect between the two of you. This is exactly what makes for a great relationship.

  27. RE #1: Unless you need it for your trade or you live more than 10 miles from your job, driving any kind of motorized vehicle makes you a weenie. Try a bike. No, not a motorcycle, an actual human powered bicycle. And do it in rain, snow, whatever. If you need to get something at the store, get a trailer for the bike.

    Corollary of #1: Power lawn mowers are for losers. Especially rider mowers. Get a reel mower. And run behind it while you mow.