One of my greatest hurdles in life, as a man, was overcoming the need to meet other peoples expectations.
What I mean by that is, I stopped worrying about doing things to "prove" myself to someone else. Who that person is, is irrelevant. Could be my dad, or it could be some fat/skinny/weak jealous asshat sitting behind his computer.
I set a goal, for myself, and I go after it. Not because someone says I can't do something, or because they tell me whatever it is I do isn't good enough. Fuck them and fuck that. I refuse to walk a path decided by someone else, because he/she feels like I need to prove myself to him.
To these people I tell you, I owe you nothing. NOTHING.
As a lifer, the only person I have anything to prove something to is myself.
Sound familiar? It should.
It's the same speech that Fortune gave Rudy when Rudy talked about quitting the team.
You're 5 foot nothin', 100 and nothin', and you have barely a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football players in the land for 2 years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself. And after what you've gone through, if you haven't done that by now, it ain't gonna never happen.
Rudy was was so blinded to all the things he had accomplished, because everything was for someone else. He wanted to PROVE this to his dad, and PROVE that to his brother. He failed at truly being able to breathe in the things he had accomplished because he was doing all of those things for all the wrong reasons.
|Tell that bitch what's what, Roc....|
Some might say "well without those people telling him he couldn't do it, he probably doesn't."
And perhaps not.
But the ability to get it done was always there. That isn't even up for discussion. How he channeled it was the issue.
But in the end, someone had to point out all of the things he had accomplished, because he was so blinded by a negative energy to please other people. People that never had to walk a single fucking step in his cleats.
Ahhhhh, there's that big empty destination I wrote about once before.
Was I always like this? Did I always posses this ability?
No. Of course not.
I used to really care what people thought or said about me. So much so that it fueled my training, my goals, my energy.
I think every young man grows up wanting the approval of his father, for example. When your dad never acts proud of the things you accomplish, it can eventually wear on you. And you wonder why it is that the man that brought you into this world, can't be pleased by anything you accomplish with great success.
You don't think I haven't been there? Of course I have. I was in my early 30's still trying to make my father proud. And he was, he just didn't say it very often. And eventually, that was ok. And you know what happened? Our relationship got better. No longer when I called to talk, did I feel the need to talk about how much ass I was kicking at my job, or how much bank I was making, or what I lifted, or anything else. We just shot the shit. And we grew closer. You know why? Because I stopped giving a shit. I don't mean in that in a negative way either. I mean, I quit giving shit about qualifying myself to him.
Bam. Instant gratification.
Over the mountain........
One of the most rewarding feelings, in all of life, is EARNING a long, hard fought victory. Reaching a goal that you have bled for, had angst about, maybe even cried about at times. To hit that mark.....fuck, you can't really put that emotion into words, can you? And that's one of the best parts about it. Is that it's all for you. You don't have to share it with a single mother fucker on the planet if you don't want to. It was something YOU set out to accomplish, and finally did.
You finally cleared the top of that particular mountain.
And there is nothing worse than to clear that peak, and have some asshole tell you how "you aint shit" or "that aint nothing".
Go eat a bag of Snuffaluffagus dicks.
More times than not, these words are from someone who needs to belittle others to make themselves continue to feel superior.
Did I used to do this? Yes. Of course.
When was it?
When I was constantly trying to prove myself to others as well.
See what a vicious circle negative energy creates? Nothing is ever good enough. No one you are trying to please is happy with your shit, so you'll be god damned if anyone else get any pleasure out of reaching goals and hitting milestones. Fuck them, and fuck the world!!!!
This will kill you. And by kill you, I mean it will kill your heart, and your spirit. And don't tell me I'm getting to zen like for you. I know what I speak of here.
It behooves you to release yourself of the need to prove your accomplishments to people because they will never have to live a single minute inside of your skin, or carry your soul. If they choose to be proud of you, that's awesome. But it's extra. It's the hot model sitting in your Aston Martin. It doesn't make the car any cooler, but it doesn't exactly hurt your feelings either. However, you bought the car because you always wanted to have one. Not because you wanted a gold digger sitting in the passenger seat.
Think about that.
I write this now because I know how living in that shitty existence can feel. How it can wear on you. And I can tell you how fabulous it feels to break through that existence, and live to prove things to yourself. God damn, that's an awesome feeling.
Everyone else can go eat a bag of farts, all the while, you're killing it.
It doesn't fucking matter! That's the best part!
Whatever it is you're becoming boss of, it's all about satisfying goals you want to achieve. Things that you want to do. And it's all coated in a positive energy that gives you constant feedback, that shit you do matters. Fuck yeah. That's called winning. That's boss. That's championship shit.
Now say championship shit 7 times real fast.
Eliminating negative assholes -
Before you ask yourself if you really have low self esteem, or low self worth, you must first diagnose how many assholes you have in your life. Some people don't realize it, but they surround themselves with assholes, and then think they suck because said assholes always tell them that they do. This could be message boards assholes or your girlfriend or asshole friends who just suck in general. It can be asshole family as well (and often is).
If this is the case, you must first rid yourself of people in your life that roshambo you at every single possible moment. From urban............
|roshambo||1115 up, 339 down|
a game; to kick each other in the balls over an object, last one standing wins.
You must also ask yourself, if you are one of the assholes that is surrounding other people that also act like assholes. Basically, a large collection of asshole can never breed anything worthwhile, because assholes don't work that way. Assholes only release shit, and get unnaturally fucked. Does that sound like your life right now? Hope not.
If you are an asshole, which you could be, you need to stop being a fucking asshole, and change your attitude. How do this is described above.
Stop caring what other people do. When you do hear about it, be happy for them.
Start caring what you do, FOR YOURSELF. Don't give a shit if anyone else is happy about it BUT YOU.
This doesn't mean to isolate yourself either. Far from it. If anything, this attitude will make you a hell of a lot more level headed and enjoyable to your company because they won't have to hear you qualify yourself over and over again, about shit you have done. You'll just bullshit and have a good time. And they will too.
You don't have to be a record holder to have the power to shut mother fuckers up. You don't even need to shut them up. When someone asks you what you have accomplished you should be able to say what you have accomplished. And when they say "well that's nothing", you can say "it's everything to me. And that's all that matters."
You know why? Because that's the god damned truth. The mother fucking gospel.
You just have to have the power to not give a fuck what they have to say about it. And that shit is EASY.
The tsunami shit wave of life can be brutal sometimes. We all get one now and then don't we? But remember that you will eventually get over that mountain top. And when you do, remember that there is always the possibility, that the first thing to greet you over that mountain top, could be a fucking asshole.
Ignore assholes, and keep moving forward. You got shit to accomplish while they stand there doing nothing aside from being assholes.
I write this not just for myself, and not just for my readers, but for a good friend dealing with some rough shit.
Good Stuff Paul, you're a damn good writer, and I love reading this "zen stuff." In the past year or so I've been implementing this kind of mindset into my life with regards to everything including my lifting, and I really feel like my quality of life has become substantially better. I'm only 20 years old, so I still have lots of work to do, but I'll reach my goals inevitably. Just wanted to say keep it up, and thanks for taking the time to write these articles.ReplyDelete
This post really resonated with some shit I dealt with late last year. I learnt the hard way how life can can deal you shit cards, and only now am I trying to figure out what the fuck to do with them.ReplyDelete
Mediocrity scares the shit out of me. I have ambition and drive which will preserver over the shit people throw at me!!
Great posting! Thanks for the insights (again)!ReplyDelete
Awesome post Paul. Recently discovered your blog but this is the first time I've posted here.ReplyDelete
Just wanted to say thanks for all the stuff your putting out here on the site and I can't wait to read the new book coming out (I know it will kick ass).
One thing I really admire about someone like you Paul is your honesty about things - I appreciate people who cut through the bullshit and have the balls to tell it how it is - a rare quality to find in people these days.
It's cool that much of what you write about on the blog basically echos my own thoughts on training, diet, relationships, life in general; which is really the main reason why I started following your blog here - you talk a lot of sense.
I could probably ramble on here about all kinds of shit - but just wanted to say, I appreciate all the time you put into this blog and for answering all the questions...etc. I know there are haters out there who will try to knock you back and criticize, but keep up the great work bro - keep kicking ass and moving mountains ;-)
All the best to you and your family
Thanks for all the kind words and support Jay. Means a lot.Delete
Paul that's a beautiful article. Made my monday. I do exactly what you said not to do. Constantly try to prove myself to other people. My favorite part was your retort, "well it means everything to me". I know this is a problem too. I work on change but its hard not to revert back to this terrible habit. I guess it's like squatting. I learned to squat high bar. I then picked up low bar. When my squat struggled for whatever reason I seemed to move back to high bar.ReplyDelete
I need to make this change. Proving myself to myself (and low bar squatting!)
You'll get it Sam. Eventually you'll have that moment that changes it for you.Delete
Phenomenal post to start the week, Thanks Paul.ReplyDelete
"Tell that bitch what's what, Roc...."ReplyDelete
That made my morning. "God Bless the Child that's got his own."
"Ignore assholes, and keep moving forward".ReplyDelete
Sound advice, I told my wife as much yesterday.
Anyone who hasn't been the asshole is lying to themselves. I got in this nasty rut where I was just a negative nancy all the fucking time. No one wants to hang out with that dude. Believe that.ReplyDelete
Going from asshole to non-asshole is very hard. It takes a lot of soul searching and a heaping bowl of crow. But it's necessary.
Figured that I would ask for a friend, since I doubt she wants to ask. What would you do, as a parent, if it is your kid (a teenager) being the @sshole?ReplyDelete
Well said man. I am 23 and beginning to learn this. There is a profound amount of freedom in letting go of caring about what others think. Cheers.ReplyDelete
You hit the nail with this one...absolutely timely post for me, as I have been working on these changes over the last few months, and I have noticed my quality of life increasing greatly. I have cut a lot of people out of my life who I considered toxic and draining, and what do you know? It fucking makes you feel better.ReplyDelete
All my life, like many, I have no doubt been plagued in the back of my head by insecure thoughts and not measuring up to the next man. While these are still things I battle daily, being aware of it and making a conscious effort to focus on me has helped tremendously. Anyway, great post, great blog, and thanks for it man.
Great post Paul,ReplyDelete
It's funny how much havin a family can change you from an asshole to non asshole in no time. From the time my wife got pregnant to now I have been living life for myself and not looking back.
Real talk, PC. The problem with being in that place is that it's damn tough to see it from the inside looking out. I walked in those shoes and it sucked. I ground myself down into nothing, never eased off. I did some amazing stuff with my life but could never enjoy any of it because it was never good enough.ReplyDelete
Despite having, by any objective standard, a perfect life, I hated myself and my life and everything in it. And I doubt I'd be here today if it hadn't been for a good friend stepping in at one point and giving me a speech very similar to that one you've penned up top there. It was a shitload of work to get from there to here, but man it is one of the greatest things I have ever done.
Keep up that real talk. There's a lot of people out there need this (even though they may not know it yet).
You are wise beyond your years, Paul.ReplyDelete